With

"We approached the pre-operation room with a fair bit of trepidation, who doesn't? But we knew going into that it was going to be a difficult ordeal. "Ok," you say, "it's gonna be hard." So, Jessica and I wheel our lovely 5 yr old back to the room and begin to tell her stories. A line of different doctors come to see her. You can see it in her eyes and witness her body language. The time is drawing near. Just moments before our daughter goes under the knife to have what later would be known as a "huge" tumor (10 inches x 6 inches) removed she motions for me to come near.  Her tiny little body is covered in blankies and all the comforts we can afford physically while her heart is held up in prayer. As I get right next to her lips - she whispers soft and gently, "Daddy, I don't want to cry." and then she begins to briefly shed a few tears."

These were the words first shared on this blog as I set out to chronicle the journey of our daughter's fight for life. Tonight I sit in a chair just a few feet away listening to her labored breathing - noticing that her and her doll have matching outfits - one would expect nothing less. The significance of this day cannot be overstated. You see, on December 30th, 2010 Jada was diagnosed with kidney cancer and shortly thereafter we were informed that it would be about an 8 month journey of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Now we are just two more infusions away from being finished with treatment, tomorrow and Sunday (July 30, 31st).

Eight months on nearly any other terms seems so doable and like a drop in the bucket of time so-to-speak. In fact, the whole thing (8 months actually being a relatively short time versus how the time felt) reminded me a quote Kramer had in a Seinfeld episode years ago. In the span of eternity it is literally next to nothing. In the reality of our hearts it was FAR longer. When someone tells you that they had an experience that was emotionally draining. . . believe them. 

So what is it about this experience that has got me thinking in ways that I never have before? Prior to this, it was easy for me to shuffle someone's suffering into the deep recesses of my heart and dig it up in some rote prayer or small display of compassion - not always, but it did happen. Now, I must confront the idea that this whole trial: the surgery, the chemo, the vomiting, the fevers, the blood transfusions, the broken arms, the radiation, and the mortality - the constant draining and heart-deadening weight of thinking in terms of life or death for your firstborn - is ending. Sure, there will be days ahead of anxiety or fear: every three months for two years, etc. where scans and blood tests will be done (with cancer you are never really done).  But largely, this trial has run its course. 

I know the reader of this is thinking, "Doug, get a grip - your family seems to have been the target since January of many trials...don't you WANT this to end?" Yes, I do, make no mistake. I want this to be done - I long for waking and going to work and coming home. But that is not what I'm talking about when it comes to what I must confront. I am confronting the fact that I have conversations with many folks for whom there is not a foreseeable closure to the suffering.

I think of a woman down the hall whose son is experiencing what we did just a month back - it all seemed so distant until the reality of it looked me in the eye and spoke tenderly of her family and the toll it's taking on them. I think of my dear friend Cora and her family - fervent though they be in prayer many hurdles remain. They are coming to grips with the kindness of severity - that He is known best when He is needed MOST. I think of another little girl named Jada who has a rare and challenging cancer, and her parents really love Jesus. My mind is captured by all of the faces and my heart riveted to the core by the stories which accompany them. For many suffering continues - and it may for my family again.  

Psalm 119:67 "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word."

When all is considered there is a side of me that struggles mightily with ease. Essentially, it is the knowledge that there is suffering (or apathy, stubbornness, laziness) still on the prowl while I am enjoying the blessings and kindness of God. C.H. Spurgeon once said, Why is it that a little ease works in us so much disease? Can we never rest without rusting? Never be filled without waxing fat?"

In Philippians 1:18-30 the Apostle Paul experienced something similar. He was at the point of immanent death and desired to be done with the trial. However, he knew it was more beneficial to remain with them for their "progress and joy" in the faith. I can say with UTTER confidence that the Lord has walked WITH us every step of the way in this journey (as have many of you). So, as with Spurgeon I will question ease for it usually means one of two things in my life: either I am forging out on my own in a particular area outside of the precious Christian community the Lord designed for me to walk in OR there is a lack of trial and suffering which would throw me helplessly on my PRESENT Savior. 

I can rejoice that Jada is finishing her treatment but my prayer is that His presence maintain my vigilance with regard to those suffering a life lived without Jesus. 

***Quick note - An acquaintance of mine has written a new book entitled "With: Reimagining the way you relate to God." It will be available in late August - but you can check out the 1st chapter for free HERE - the author's name is Skye Jethani. ***

Please post any comments or thoughts you have - you never know, someone may be encouraged to deepen their relationship with God as a result. 

His Design In Nearness

"I pray that Dad has a good day at clinic tomorrow, that I would be good at clinic, and that Dad would preach your word the WHOLE time we are there - Amen!"

This would be Jada's latest prayer tonight just as we were putting her to bed. It rings true because today was my first chance to publicly proclaim the goodness of God and the encouragement received from so many from the pulpit. After not preaching for over half a year I was finally able to loose these lips and not be restrained to a keystroke for my catharsis. Of particular blessing today was the fact that my wife was also able to express some of what God has taught her by singing to songs...the singing was angelic. It honored God because it made much of him.

You can listen (or add it to your podcast) by going here (Doug Rumbold's Podcast) you can also download one of Jessica's songs (she sang with her sister) by clicking here (Finally I Surrender)

Enjoy.

Reverence Demands Disclosure

Horizons are important, but they can be misleading. This little reality has been crystallized in my heart over the past couple of days.

Briefly: Jada's blood tests and many other exams indicated that she must have her central line removed (the iv line that was installed during her initial surgery for the administration of chemo). This happened on Saturday. This was difficult as she was sedated and still able (though to a small degree) to feel things. It happened this past Saturday the 2nd of July. Jess and I were then confronted with decisions. "What is God trying to tell us in this?" You see, she must have either a central line or a pic line to have her chemo administered. With only two more scheduled stays in the hospital for chemo one can appreciate our dilemma: call it quits or finish treatment.

I labored in prayer.

Last night as the day (the day we must decide for certain) was approaching I decided "I am going to bed early and waking early for some time with Jesus before Jada wakes." I got ready for bed and decided 11:30 would be my target (yes that's early here at the hospital). I picked up my prayer journal and felt convicted to flip back to December 29th, 2010. 11:30 came and went like an impatient cab driver on the crowded streets of Manhattan. It was more like 12:30 when I finally put down the journal, after many tears had been shed. Here was the overwhelming conclusion:

Trusting God looks different when read through the strokes of a pen by someone who has nothing left to hold to.  Now, I'm going to be using a huge word here, robust with theological implications: God doesn't just want our "biggies."

As I read through those journal entries my heart was wrangled up by my lack of trust and level of fear lately. While laboring in prayer I just assumed the only thing I was to pray about was Jada and the answer we most urgently needed. However, as the Spirit comforted/counseled me (in John 16:7 Jesus promises to send the Spirit and one of his roles will be comforter/counselor) and I began to grasp with clarity the following from God: Maybe Jada's line infection and removal was not designed to be a sign from Me that you should stop treatment now. Have you considered that maybe this is a very stout little test of your faith to continue in what I had clearly laid before you at the beginning of January?

You see, in Isaiah 40:13 states, "Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows him his counsel?" To revere rightly means that I release what I do not understand or that which I struggle with and cast it into his very capable hands.

Immediately as I woke this morning I called my wife and told her of how God had pressed this on my heart and confessed that I had not been trusting him. I shared with her all the instances in my journal where I disclosed fear, concern, doubt, frustration, confessed sin, etc.

There are yet difficult days ahead - and that is the danger in horizons. In one sense they present an ever changing canvas of where the earth's surface meets the sky. There is no hope in that. In another sense they are dangerous because they present something that is immanent - as in "danger is just over the horizon." However, there is yet a third nuance in the meaning of "horizon" I wish to explore. That is, "to broaden one's understanding."

If you and I only approach God with the colossal issues and not the mole hills of doubt, spilled juice, heated conversations with our spouses, tear in the fabric of our shirt, length of a stoplight, concern of how we'll adjust in a relationship if we open up, lack of sleep, lack of money, excess of money, tinge of pride, fear of reprisal, lack of earnestness in prayer and the study of the Bible, or any number of other issues - we are at risk of looking toward horizons for hope. This, make no mistake, is risky business for its aiming at a moving target. OR the other horizon-oriented option would be to seek the avoidance of immanent danger. Here you are at risk of viewing God only as punitive and not grace filled. This we all do (or have done) to our own peril.

The third and best option is expansion. God means things for your GOOD Christian! Do you really believe that with EVERY fiber of your Spiritual Being - for we are first Spiritual and then Physical (I Cor. 2:14-16)? God has wrought Good from this whole thing with Jada - in my heart and in the hearts of many reading this. And this, co-laborer in Christ, is why we can move with confidence to have a pic-line installed, begin chemo tomorrow night (Wednesday July 6th), and finish the course of action the Lord set before us originally.

I will say with conviction one last time: If you revere HIM that demands you disclose to Him EVERYTHING - not just stuff you cannot handle. This is my means of conviction right now, I MUST stop praying within my own means to provide. It's not that my prayers are not large enough, that is a  logical fallacy rendering my prayer life ineffective. My prayers are not small enough. What about your prayers - Too large or Too small?

The Restoration of Adoration

Although the video is funny its aim is to illustrate the very thing my heart has wrestled with, and if truth were to be the modus operandi, that which has wrought tears in me even as I pen these words. You see, there are vile wicked thoughts that float through this head and maintain residence there. It has been hard these past two days and I am sure if you are the casual reader of this blog you know what I am saying. So, for those who aren't here it is: 


Jada and I went in for a chemotherapy treatment on the 13th of June. It was supposed to be 3 days at the hospital. We were there for 4. We went home on Thursday the 16th for about 6 hours when Jada awoke from a nap in severe pain...shingles. Back to the hospital again - the same day we were released. We stayed until the 22nd of June. This past Monday she awoke with headaches and we had to bring her to visit the Dr. for some neurological exams. She passed these and they took a blood sample for safety and sent us home. Tuesday night about midnight the Dr. called and said that Jada's blood revealed a bacterial infection. Nice. Back to the hospital on the 29th. They tell us once they figure out what bacteria it is it should only take 7-10 days of treatment, you guessed it, all in the hospital. All of this precedes the fact that her next 5 day treatment of chemo is to begin on July 5th. If all follows their predictions - that could effectively be 21 out of 26 days in the hospital. Yikes. 


The crazy thing is, I am not even that upset about the hospital stays - though they are long and sleepless for both Jada and I. I am grieved at what my heart is displaying while here, selfishness and discontentment. My tone with Jada has been less than Godly - not that she's been an angel, but both of us are clearly still works in progress. Tonight we read a story and lay on her bed just cuddling before bed. The nurse walks in and Jada grabs my arm and says, "Dad, TELL HER!" "Tell her what?" I say as if I don't know what our mantra has been since day one. "TELL HER about JESUS!" So, casually I look at her and exclaim - "My daughter wants me to tell you about Jesus. But I am certain you are aware by now of where we stand." She glances at me and says, "yes, quite sure." To which I respond, "well, if you have time, and would like to talk about Jesus, I'm here all night." 


How lame! What? I don't want to tell you about the person who makes intercession for us and is himself our righteousness? Is it too much of a burden when I am tired to speak the name that gives me life and vitality? That whole discussion with the nurse ended and she walked out. I began thinking about Paul in I Timothy when he says, "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment..."(ESV) The cavernous depths of my dark soul were illumined by this one thought, "I am content, but lacking godliness." Godliness is defined as "having great reverence for God; pious." I sat at the side of Jada's bed, hands laid on her in prayer and sought the restoration of adoration. 


"Why?" one may ask. The reason is twofold. One, without reverence contentment quickly morphs. The shape it takes faster than one realizes is contempt. One sees that contempt for God and His purposes results in damages not only to oneself, but to those near to them: Hebrews 12:15 - "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (NIV)." Secondly, without godliness accompanying my contentment, I am at risk - and I would even confess - to having grieved the Spirit. Psalm 139:24 says, "And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" 

Thankfully, my tears are not in vain. There is hope for the repentant soul - and I would argue the same for you reader. Does your contentment lack godliness OR vice versa. Graciously His Spirit is in the business of revelation without devastation. My heart is not devastated because its anchor is firm and secure. The Goal is Christ, My Father is GOOD, His Spirit Leads me. 


Add your thoughts below by posting a comment for others to chew on and be blessed by. Think on it... Do you Desperately need the Restoration of Adoration?