Reverence Demands Disclosure

Horizons are important, but they can be misleading. This little reality has been crystallized in my heart over the past couple of days.

Briefly: Jada's blood tests and many other exams indicated that she must have her central line removed (the iv line that was installed during her initial surgery for the administration of chemo). This happened on Saturday. This was difficult as she was sedated and still able (though to a small degree) to feel things. It happened this past Saturday the 2nd of July. Jess and I were then confronted with decisions. "What is God trying to tell us in this?" You see, she must have either a central line or a pic line to have her chemo administered. With only two more scheduled stays in the hospital for chemo one can appreciate our dilemma: call it quits or finish treatment.

I labored in prayer.

Last night as the day (the day we must decide for certain) was approaching I decided "I am going to bed early and waking early for some time with Jesus before Jada wakes." I got ready for bed and decided 11:30 would be my target (yes that's early here at the hospital). I picked up my prayer journal and felt convicted to flip back to December 29th, 2010. 11:30 came and went like an impatient cab driver on the crowded streets of Manhattan. It was more like 12:30 when I finally put down the journal, after many tears had been shed. Here was the overwhelming conclusion:

Trusting God looks different when read through the strokes of a pen by someone who has nothing left to hold to.  Now, I'm going to be using a huge word here, robust with theological implications: God doesn't just want our "biggies."

As I read through those journal entries my heart was wrangled up by my lack of trust and level of fear lately. While laboring in prayer I just assumed the only thing I was to pray about was Jada and the answer we most urgently needed. However, as the Spirit comforted/counseled me (in John 16:7 Jesus promises to send the Spirit and one of his roles will be comforter/counselor) and I began to grasp with clarity the following from God: Maybe Jada's line infection and removal was not designed to be a sign from Me that you should stop treatment now. Have you considered that maybe this is a very stout little test of your faith to continue in what I had clearly laid before you at the beginning of January?

You see, in Isaiah 40:13 states, "Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows him his counsel?" To revere rightly means that I release what I do not understand or that which I struggle with and cast it into his very capable hands.

Immediately as I woke this morning I called my wife and told her of how God had pressed this on my heart and confessed that I had not been trusting him. I shared with her all the instances in my journal where I disclosed fear, concern, doubt, frustration, confessed sin, etc.

There are yet difficult days ahead - and that is the danger in horizons. In one sense they present an ever changing canvas of where the earth's surface meets the sky. There is no hope in that. In another sense they are dangerous because they present something that is immanent - as in "danger is just over the horizon." However, there is yet a third nuance in the meaning of "horizon" I wish to explore. That is, "to broaden one's understanding."

If you and I only approach God with the colossal issues and not the mole hills of doubt, spilled juice, heated conversations with our spouses, tear in the fabric of our shirt, length of a stoplight, concern of how we'll adjust in a relationship if we open up, lack of sleep, lack of money, excess of money, tinge of pride, fear of reprisal, lack of earnestness in prayer and the study of the Bible, or any number of other issues - we are at risk of looking toward horizons for hope. This, make no mistake, is risky business for its aiming at a moving target. OR the other horizon-oriented option would be to seek the avoidance of immanent danger. Here you are at risk of viewing God only as punitive and not grace filled. This we all do (or have done) to our own peril.

The third and best option is expansion. God means things for your GOOD Christian! Do you really believe that with EVERY fiber of your Spiritual Being - for we are first Spiritual and then Physical (I Cor. 2:14-16)? God has wrought Good from this whole thing with Jada - in my heart and in the hearts of many reading this. And this, co-laborer in Christ, is why we can move with confidence to have a pic-line installed, begin chemo tomorrow night (Wednesday July 6th), and finish the course of action the Lord set before us originally.

I will say with conviction one last time: If you revere HIM that demands you disclose to Him EVERYTHING - not just stuff you cannot handle. This is my means of conviction right now, I MUST stop praying within my own means to provide. It's not that my prayers are not large enough, that is a  logical fallacy rendering my prayer life ineffective. My prayers are not small enough. What about your prayers - Too large or Too small?