Although the video is funny its aim is to illustrate the very thing my heart has wrestled with, and if truth were to be the modus operandi, that which has wrought tears in me even as I pen these words. You see, there are vile wicked thoughts that float through this head and maintain residence there. It has been hard these past two days and I am sure if you are the casual reader of this blog you know what I am saying. So, for those who aren't here it is:
Jada and I went in for a chemotherapy treatment on the 13th of June. It was supposed to be 3 days at the hospital. We were there for 4. We went home on Thursday the 16th for about 6 hours when Jada awoke from a nap in severe pain...shingles. Back to the hospital again - the same day we were released. We stayed until the 22nd of June. This past Monday she awoke with headaches and we had to bring her to visit the Dr. for some neurological exams. She passed these and they took a blood sample for safety and sent us home. Tuesday night about midnight the Dr. called and said that Jada's blood revealed a bacterial infection. Nice. Back to the hospital on the 29th. They tell us once they figure out what bacteria it is it should only take 7-10 days of treatment, you guessed it, all in the hospital. All of this precedes the fact that her next 5 day treatment of chemo is to begin on July 5th. If all follows their predictions - that could effectively be 21 out of 26 days in the hospital. Yikes.
The crazy thing is, I am not even that upset about the hospital stays - though they are long and sleepless for both Jada and I. I am grieved at what my heart is displaying while here, selfishness and discontentment. My tone with Jada has been less than Godly - not that she's been an angel, but both of us are clearly still works in progress. Tonight we read a story and lay on her bed just cuddling before bed. The nurse walks in and Jada grabs my arm and says, "Dad, TELL HER!" "Tell her what?" I say as if I don't know what our mantra has been since day one. "TELL HER about JESUS!" So, casually I look at her and exclaim - "My daughter wants me to tell you about Jesus. But I am certain you are aware by now of where we stand." She glances at me and says, "yes, quite sure." To which I respond, "well, if you have time, and would like to talk about Jesus, I'm here all night."
How lame! What? I don't want to tell you about the person who makes intercession for us and is himself our righteousness? Is it too much of a burden when I am tired to speak the name that gives me life and vitality? That whole discussion with the nurse ended and she walked out. I began thinking about Paul in I Timothy when he says, "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment..."(ESV) The cavernous depths of my dark soul were illumined by this one thought, "I am content, but lacking godliness." Godliness is defined as "having great reverence for God; pious." I sat at the side of Jada's bed, hands laid on her in prayer and sought the restoration of adoration.
"Why?" one may ask. The reason is twofold. One, without reverence contentment quickly morphs. The shape it takes faster than one realizes is contempt. One sees that contempt for God and His purposes results in damages not only to oneself, but to those near to them: Hebrews 12:15 - "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (NIV)." Secondly, without godliness accompanying my contentment, I am at risk - and I would even confess - to having grieved the Spirit. Psalm 139:24 says, "And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Thankfully, my tears are not in vain. There is hope for the repentant soul - and I would argue the same for you reader. Does your contentment lack godliness OR vice versa. Graciously His Spirit is in the business of revelation without devastation. My heart is not devastated because its anchor is firm and secure. The Goal is Christ, My Father is GOOD, His Spirit Leads me.
Add your thoughts below by posting a comment for others to chew on and be blessed by. Think on it... Do you Desperately need the Restoration of Adoration?
Add your thoughts below by posting a comment for others to chew on and be blessed by. Think on it... Do you Desperately need the Restoration of Adoration?
Doug,
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing you in person next Easter. Both as a friend and also to just share in your thoughts. I find a lot of golden nuggets in your posts and I wanted you to know many of us are listening out here. In all that is going on in your world you are still being used by God and bring heard.
I pray for strength as you continue serving in grace, and good health for Jada as she fights this illness. May you always know God's presence by your side.
Derek
Doug,
ReplyDeleteYou and Jada both amaze me. As you both walk through what must be the darkest times of your lives, you both constantly seek to spread the word of our loving Savior. We are all souls in need of Restoration of Adoration - it is something we can easily forget in just the business and frustrations of normal, everyday life. Your life, at this moment, is not ordinary or normal. Yet, I find myself learning something from you BOTH every time I read a new post on this blog.
I cannot remember what brought me to you - probably the caringbridge site of one of the children I follow and pray for. I so wish I had some words of comfort for you all in this time. I hope knowing that you, your daughter, and your entire family are in our prayers during this time is some comfort. I know that you know our Father is a loving God, that He doesn't expect perfection, but repentance when we know we have done wrong. I know that you know God is there with you both (and with your whole family) as you walk this journey. There is nothing I can tell you about our Father that you don't already know. But, please know, that even during the time you may feel like you didn't put your whole heart into a discussion of our Savior, that, by sharing that, you are reaching others - you are encouraging people that do not have a relationship with Christ to develop one, and you are an inspiration to those of us that do to share His saving grace with anyone and everyone.
May God bless you and your family with a complete and total healing of your beautiful daughter. May you know the good you are doing for His Kingdom as you share your journey.
Ginger
Thank you for sharing Doug..I think anyone who has gone through suffering can relate to what you are speaking of. You have been a blessing and encouragment to me and so many, thank you for being real and being honest. Your heart for the Lord is truly pure and He is pleased with you and He loves you right where you are at...thank goodness for that! He see's the finished work in us and He loves us through the process...oh how good is our God! Love you, Erica
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wise teaching and helpful insights during suffering. I got to your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend, all of whom are missionaries who blog. I'm sorry about your pain but I super appreciate your honest candor and can relate to your humanness in this particular post. I hope to hang on to my adoration and my contentment as well. I will think on those words today. Satan trips me up on these issues as well, especially when I'm tired because then my guard is down. We're all thanking God for His grace in spite of.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are there to touch and be touched and know that your blog always touches me and I am sure many others. Sue
ReplyDelete