Monday thoughts

Joshua, the leader who took over after Moses, had some shoes to fill; some rather large shoes, or to be more accurate, sandals. This is evidenced when we begin to read what are sometimes referred to as the "land-grant narratives" in Joshua 13-17.

The people of Israel had now come to the place where they were to take possession of the Promised Land. The very land God PROMISED to give to them. Let's pick up the story chapter fifteen; Joshua was divying out the land but some were struggling (see 15:63, 16:10, 17:12, 14 - I encourage you to read it on your own). 

First, when told their allotment of land, the tribe of Ephraim "did not drive the Canaanites out..." but instead kept them as slaves.  

In like fashion, upon encountering the "determined" (17:12) mindset of the Canaanites, the tribe of Manasseh didn't actually drive them out and possess the land. They simply waiting until they had gained enough strength and forced the inhabitants to work as their slaves. 

Finally, the descendants of Joseph lack the perseverance needed to possess the promise. Instead, they display an all-too-common perspective, "these people are bigger, faster, and stronger than us; loss is certain, why try?" (17:16).

In summary, what we find are all people who have been given a promise and land to go with it. Yet two, Ephraim and Manasseh, opt to permit the wickedness among them for their own personal gain even though God desired their (Canaanite) destruction. 

"Peace with wickedness is preferred to war for righteousness." (David M. Howard Jr.) 

And the tribe of Joseph, what do we discover about them? They were greedy and fearful (17:14 "why have you given us only one portion of land..." & 17:16 "they are too strong for us.") but ultimately unconvincing as Joshua doesn't bend to their manipulation.  Joshua essentially restates the allotment and process to possess it, like an undaunted father staring down the stubborn and entitled child.

Why write about Joshua's leadership challenges when we face fears as novel as anything any of us can recall in our lifetime?

Because when God promises something, He provides the requisite grace to lay hold of it. These times are UNCERTAIN but our God is not at all shaken, surprised, or dethroned. Some of us reading right now need to know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) we will look at Caleb. A man of promise tucked within this same narrative. He DARED to believe God despite many factors. Will you?

Reasoning

I had reasoned with my heart this morning.

You know how it goes - there is a big day in store, so you have this sort of inner-dialogue which goes something like this: "Heart, I know today is a big day and I know that you are considering getting all wrapped up in the difficulty or trauma that lays ahead. You may also want to feel a sense of isolation, as though you are all alone in the day's happenings. Don't! Be reasonable and whatever you do - please do not summon the tear ducts for aid in displaying the particular feeling you may be experiencing." 

However, my heart is no respecter of these inner dialogues and the salty taste present on my tongue currently bears it out. I knew this. I knew as I awoke this morning that Jada was going to be having more scans - and that these scans are the ones which make me a little more nervous than usual. So there it is - I am NOT STRONG! I just wheeled Jada in to CT before she was sedated and she cried, looking at me with that desperation which I have become so accustomed to. I cried too. I leaned over her and prayed - whispering Psalm 46:1 in her ear, "God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble." And as I turned to walk out of the scan room - Jada safely asleep - I was reminded that my little inner-dialogue this morning was not so much a cry of self-preservation but a prayer for help (In an effort to drive this reminder further into my psyche - I write... N-O-W. It is the easiest way for me to process, so bear with me). 

I had a renewed sense of the goodness and immanence of the Lord. Read all of Psalm 46 today and you will be amazed that on four separate occasions the author mentions the concept of presence leading to peace, stillness, and knowledge of who God genuinely is. So my heart rests in Him. Many are praying - there are even some that are enduring today in fasting for Jada (and our family).

So do my emotions just go away? No. They do not. I am still shedding tears as I consider her lying there and maybe more so because these are the scans which are supposed to reveal that Jada is COMPLETELY DONE with all treatment for cancer. I will further reason with my heart to consider the depth of truth found in Psalm 139:7-12 where the author wrestles down this concept that there is NO place one can hide from the presence of God. I can no more flee the presence of God's Spirit and be all alone than I can wake up tomorrow and looking at my body tell my skin to leave. It doesn't work that way. God is able to be called on; an ever-present help in times of trouble, BECAUSE He is near. 

When in deep sin and disobedience to the Spirit - this works as conviction. When in times of trial this works as comfort. Right now I can conceive of nothing finer than the comfort of the Spirit of Jesus Christ the Living God! 

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The sum of all fears... relieved!

Everyone has fears. Some, at times, can seem insurmountable. Others are easily overcome by just taking a step, opening your eyes, closing your eyes, a brief conversation with a friend or confidant, prayer, the memory of a verse, or one of many other ways. The fears that I have had to face in hand to hand combat recently have been relieved. Would you like to know how?

Jess and I have long been the beneficiaries of the love and care flowing from Northfield (my place of employment and family of faith). This trend shows no signs of slowing and in ALL WAYS has exceeded what we ever thought possible. Here is a sampling of some of the ways they have fleshed out the Gospel tangibly for us: they have brought meals, provided childcare, done laundry, sent us money, cleaned our house, picked up groceries, texted us verses, sent us emails, sent us cards, dropped by for brief visits of encouragement, PRAYED, took over my ministry responsibilities without the least bit of complaining, and countless other ways. Oh, and they also have allowed me to stay with my family - my first and most important ministry - while still providing compensation, an unbelievably gracious move on the church's part.

So, with trepidation I took a phone call from the Elders of NCF to set up a meeting to discuss what my work life will look like in our new normal. Jess and I were fretting slightly - wondering what the content or expectations would be.

Fear found a footing.

How will I ever make it work? How will I leave my family and not feel guilty? What will the expectations be and will they overwhelm me? etc, etc, etc. So, as Jess and I approached this meeting with the Elders of NCF two things popped into my mind: fear and authority.

Every man MUST be one under authority and Jesus is our primary example of willful submission to His Father's authority (see the ENTIRE book of John). Fear is that which rightly has no home in the heart of the confessing believer. The fear that I was experiencing was directly related to all that has happened to us and what work will look like in the light of all of it.

The first indication of how it'd go should have been easily identified by the time of the meeting itself; 8:45pm in my home. My kids were all down and things were quiet. As Jess and I poured out our hearts to them, laid out in pain-staking detail the schedule of our new "normal," and shared any other concerns we had we experienced something wonderful... our fears were being relieved and peace was setting in. Without giving undue glory to man - these men of whom I am glad to be under their authority - exhibited tremendous humility. They really listened, they carefully challenged us, and then they prayed with us. In short, the shepherded our hearts with all the gentleness and patience of their Chief Shepherd.

Now, in many respects, my father is my hero. A man devoted first to his God and then to his wife. He has shepherded me for over 30 years now. Never abdicating his responsibility, though not always performed to perfection, he carefully served as an "elder" or shepherd should - in humility and not under compulsion. I have a better view of the Chief Shepherd because of him.

In a day and age when "authority" sounds more like a swear word than the comfy winter coat designed to protect us from the elements that it is - I am joyful. The apostle Paul says it this way, "For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined." Titus 1:7-8

I have seen it growing up and now I have the distinct advantage coming under it as a gainfully employed adult. In both cases the security derived from the appropriate exercise of it has expelled fear.

If tears were my song

It started much like any trip home from Peoria had these last couple weeks; a bunch of chatter in the back seat from Jada who is constantly inquiring of me an explanation of something. However, as the radiation and chemo take their cumulative affect on Jada, we are noticing increased fatigue. She says to me after we drive about 2 blocks, "Dad, I am exhausted from this stuff, I am going to take a quick nap." That's it, she's out.

Earlier that evening I had snuck into the control room for the radiation oncology department where I snapped this photo of Jada from a monitor. Hard to watch is one thing, pain is another, anguish is likely the nearest English equivalent for the emotion I was experiencing. It gained strength as we headed to the car and began the drive home.

By the time we were crossing the bridge, I was shedding tears at a rate which makes driving difficult and breathing labored. This whole thing still has that element to it - - - the one where it creeps up on you without notice. Jada slept and I had some Kari Jobe (Jada's favorite singer) playing softly in the background. I got home and carried Jada from the car (the radiation saps her strength and although she can walk she prefers to be carried) to the couch. Her stay on the couch was not long as she was quickly acquainted with "her bucket." She kept that little life saver close for the next 3 hours as she hovered over it while I rubbed her and read Genesis 17-19 to her (She and I were having a disagreement earlier about the order of Abram's name change to Abraham...I happened to win that one). We had reinforcements with Diane Imig (who comes to administer one shot to Jada per evening), but it was a painful evening.

I went to bed thinking, "Lord, this is week 1 of 30 or so. Weary needs to be transformed into a more powerful word...possibly with a metaphor attached to really drive home the intensity of the emotions inside." In the purest sense I was asking for someone to validate my grief and make much of me - or at the very least - remind us of the promise of God in suffering and trial. The ultimate GOAL is hope which is poured into our hearts by God through the Holy Spirit (see Rom. 5:5).

So, my heart races to catch hold of the knowledge my head contains but will not easily relinquish (if for no other reason than the enemy's use). My lovely wife was now long asleep and therefore an excellent prayer target. I grab her hand gently and pray for the Lord's strength and that the Holy Spirit would do His job to remind us of all we have been taught (read John 14-16 to see this truth explained from the mouth of Jesus).

As my own head finally hit the pillow I thought of two final things worth sharing: one, Jessica and I are in the thick of it right now and our response, however hard it may be, is not in our own strength. JESUS IS OUR VICTORY...even if that victory is only climbing up the stairs to make a cup of coffee to get our day rolling after minimal sleep. To think otherwise is among the gravest of sins and really a marker of tremendous pride - an all out affront against the Spirit which actually grieves Him. To quote Francis Chan, "I pray for the day when believers care more about the Spirit's grief than their own."

Secondly, I continue to have the conviction of the LORD in my reading of the word. Particularly, the story of Sarah and Isaac struck me and has been wrestling my sense of composure (spiritual composure or always having it together) to the ground. Here's how: Sarah and Abraham had to be told NUMEROUS TIMES that the covenant was with them and God WOULD provide a son (I actually did not count - forgive me, we are short on time these days). Yet, they still tried to forcibly square-peg-round-hole the covenant into existence. Always gentle, always loving, God continues to take them back and explain Himself again. God is like that with me. Sure, I grow weary and discouraged - but I am realizing that it is the definitive pause at the top of his swing before the hammer comes down again to drive the truth even further into my heart.

This is what I put forward for your consideration tonight... if tears were your song (and God's definitive pause) what would be their refrain? "God, you don't understand how hard this is, why me, I HATE how this ALWAYS seems to happen to me." O R "For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness." (II Sam. 22:29).

Sometimes God answers with severity.

This afternoon I was sitting in the room with Jada while she slept - just listening to the rhythm of her breathing while praying about some of the decisions that face us.

As you may or may not know (depending on how often you check the blog) Jess and I finally named baby x . . . Pierce Anakin Rumbold. From the birth yesterday Jada and I went for testing which initially revealed Clear Cell Sarcoma of the Kidney - stage 1. I have been praying (along with Jess) about whether to forgo the radiation portion of the treatment in favor of reducing the overall toxicity to Jada's body and minimizing the impact on her ability to reproduce in the future. Some weighty issues to be sure up for consideration for a person of any age, but especially for a 5 yr old.

That being said, I began to contemplate God's timing and what He is trying to tell Jess and I. Just then another Dr. walked in...and honestly I don't remember his name (we have meet LOTS of people recently), but he asked if I had any questions. When I told him the gist of Jess and my thoughts on radiation he opened up a bit about how he has been praying for Jess, Jada, and I ever since this whole ordeal began. We prayed together and specifically we aimed at wisdom in handling the radiation. It was a sweet time of Christian fellowship in the truest sense (our bond truly was/is Christ).

Only 30 minutes later our oncologist shows up and says, "I have the full pathology in hand (up to this point he had initial results and not the printed full copy). The findings change two things," he said. "One, we can no longer say that Jada has stage one cancer. Because the tumor has punctured the renal cavity it has to be considered stage two." I was taken back, not sure how to process or what to feel - but that sensation is not new to us. Dr. Al continued, "this means that we no longer can drop the radiation as a variation in treatment - it IS the standard of treatment to administer the radiation." Ummm, ok, I see.

I returned to the room smiling at the grace of the Lord Jesus. Not 40 minutes previous I had prayed for wisdom that was not mine to help us make the decision. God openly reveals to us that our daughter's condition is slightly more serious and will require the radiation. Done. The decision is made thanks to God.

In the book of Job we discover that Job's friends really are not all that helpful. They had a faulty belief in what we would call the "retribution principle." The meaning is simply that they thought good get good from God, and bad get bad from God. Job must have done something wrong. So its to that end that all of their statements and intellect aim. Elihu, the youngest of Job's friends actually has a decent nugget to contribute to the discussion and its been on my heart all day and now that I am actually putting some stuff in writing, I see why.

In Job 32:7-8 it says," ⁷I said, 'Let days speak,and many years teach wisdom.'⁸But it is the spirit in man, the breath of the Almighty, that makes him understand." Elihu is making the case that experienced and learned men should speak first - then let the younger go next. I have been seeking the opinions of the medical community without truly consulting God. Once I dropped this faulty logic and picked up the "breath of the Almighty" God gave understanding sooner than expected. Now, the problem in this case is that the answer is not a nice piece of triple layer chocolate cake with a glass of milk to wash it down - its severe. Does His severity nullify His love and paternal care? Not at all. The Lord disciplines those He loves... He MUST love Jess and I (and Jada, Ollie, and Pierce) an awful lot.

Blessed be the LORD

Blessed be the LORD... this is the way the Psalmist begins the 21st verse of the 31st Psalm. Not unlike many other Psalms where the writer is extolling some great virtue of the LORD by exclaiming that HE is to be praised, but its what follows that makes all the difference for Jessica and I.

On December 30th our daughter was told she has kidney cancer in the form of a wilm's tumor. While the pathology (the testing to determine the correct diagnosis) is still being done on Jada's football sized tumor she has been released from the hospital and is sound asleep about 12 feet from me right now in her own bed.

The rest of verse 21 says, "for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city." Thursday the 30th of December certainly felt like Jess and I were in a "besieged" city with no escape. The choke hold of death was around our hearts and it was squeezing tears out of our now weary eyes. However, in just a few days we have seen marvelous improvement in our daughter and it has been the cause for MUCH rejoicing.

In fact, the day after her surgery she whispered to me that she missed church and wanted to go back soon. I put that little thought in my "wouldn't that be nice but fat chance" pocket. But the Lord saw fit to humble me once again. Amazing!

Above you will see pictures of the last 24hours with her. My brothers offered to spend the night in the hospital so Jess and I might get some sleep debt repaid before baby #3 arrives. Then Jada makes silly faces with her mom and Jess. Finally, you see Jess and I dressed and ready to leave the hospital.

In short, there has been the blessing and grace of the Lord all over this. Tonight Jess and I lay in bed with Jada and watched a movie while just cuddling (Oliver returns to us tomorrow in case you're wondering). She is walking proof of many things, but one thing in particular that I urge you to consider. Prayer IS the answer! I have never been so deep in prayer as I have been this past 8 days - and neither have many who have interceded on her behalf.

I had nights when I could not sleep and I would just stare out the window, talking (literally praying) to the Lord. Spilling my thoughts onto paper has become more intense (I have always been a journaler), and making my emotions subject to the Lordship of Christ is also normal. God has amazed us so much during this that I am content to look at something huge without fear, worry or anxiety - because those all involve myself managing the situation. Not sure if you have ever tried the, "I'll be God today" thing...but I can tell you from experience you will get to the end of this sentence faster than you will actually have peace of mind and a comforted spirit.

Christ RULES and Blessed be the LORD because of it. He never ceased to rule just because life got hard for me. His ruling was just manifest in my tiny little mind.

Lost eyebrows

So I was just trying to put Jada (my 3yr old) to bed. Which can be difficult. She tells me she wants to make up a story. Here's what she said: "you know what happened then? (that is actually how she started) She lost her eyebrows." I said, "really." Then she continued, "and she prayed to Jesus and he gave her new eyebrows and she put them on...the end."

That was the whole story. I had to wonder, wouldn't that make me anxious, losing my eyebrows...but I love how she resolved it. She had the little girl pray to Jesus immediately.

I am often an anxious person and have to repent of that. So, in an effort to help us all understand anxiety, I thought I would offer this little resource for free.

CLICK HERE

Jesus and X-Ray Vision

Night was falling and somehow this lunatic was still on the loose. His mouth and even his actions were beginning to annoy the law abiding leaders. As the situation grew even more intense the leaders decided it would be a good idea to send out some spies on their behalf.

Stealth was in high order as well as the introduction of confusion and even argumentative language. The spies played the part to perfection - never letting on the ulterior motive that was guiding them...in a sense they were honest. What is it that the actors say when they receive an Oscar, "...I was true to the role..." Well, these guys fit that mold. As the crowds pressed in on the lunatic with shotgun mouth the spies engaged him in some Q&A.

First, they butter him up by appealing to ego... "we know you always say what is right and are impartial in your delivery..." Then, as stated a moment ago, comes the trap to catch him in his words. "Is it right for us to pay taxes to this tyrant?"

Finally, as the story goes, the lunatic "...saw through their duplicity." You see the leaders (this story is found in Luke 20:19-26) were afraid of people and sent spies to do their job - but Jesus saw through that.

He may well have been a lunatic, but he can judge the thoughts and intent of my heart. So, if X-Ray vision is something that you think Jesus should not have...sorry, He does and He uses it for our growth and challenge.