If tears were my song

It started much like any trip home from Peoria had these last couple weeks; a bunch of chatter in the back seat from Jada who is constantly inquiring of me an explanation of something. However, as the radiation and chemo take their cumulative affect on Jada, we are noticing increased fatigue. She says to me after we drive about 2 blocks, "Dad, I am exhausted from this stuff, I am going to take a quick nap." That's it, she's out.

Earlier that evening I had snuck into the control room for the radiation oncology department where I snapped this photo of Jada from a monitor. Hard to watch is one thing, pain is another, anguish is likely the nearest English equivalent for the emotion I was experiencing. It gained strength as we headed to the car and began the drive home.

By the time we were crossing the bridge, I was shedding tears at a rate which makes driving difficult and breathing labored. This whole thing still has that element to it - - - the one where it creeps up on you without notice. Jada slept and I had some Kari Jobe (Jada's favorite singer) playing softly in the background. I got home and carried Jada from the car (the radiation saps her strength and although she can walk she prefers to be carried) to the couch. Her stay on the couch was not long as she was quickly acquainted with "her bucket." She kept that little life saver close for the next 3 hours as she hovered over it while I rubbed her and read Genesis 17-19 to her (She and I were having a disagreement earlier about the order of Abram's name change to Abraham...I happened to win that one). We had reinforcements with Diane Imig (who comes to administer one shot to Jada per evening), but it was a painful evening.

I went to bed thinking, "Lord, this is week 1 of 30 or so. Weary needs to be transformed into a more powerful word...possibly with a metaphor attached to really drive home the intensity of the emotions inside." In the purest sense I was asking for someone to validate my grief and make much of me - or at the very least - remind us of the promise of God in suffering and trial. The ultimate GOAL is hope which is poured into our hearts by God through the Holy Spirit (see Rom. 5:5).

So, my heart races to catch hold of the knowledge my head contains but will not easily relinquish (if for no other reason than the enemy's use). My lovely wife was now long asleep and therefore an excellent prayer target. I grab her hand gently and pray for the Lord's strength and that the Holy Spirit would do His job to remind us of all we have been taught (read John 14-16 to see this truth explained from the mouth of Jesus).

As my own head finally hit the pillow I thought of two final things worth sharing: one, Jessica and I are in the thick of it right now and our response, however hard it may be, is not in our own strength. JESUS IS OUR VICTORY...even if that victory is only climbing up the stairs to make a cup of coffee to get our day rolling after minimal sleep. To think otherwise is among the gravest of sins and really a marker of tremendous pride - an all out affront against the Spirit which actually grieves Him. To quote Francis Chan, "I pray for the day when believers care more about the Spirit's grief than their own."

Secondly, I continue to have the conviction of the LORD in my reading of the word. Particularly, the story of Sarah and Isaac struck me and has been wrestling my sense of composure (spiritual composure or always having it together) to the ground. Here's how: Sarah and Abraham had to be told NUMEROUS TIMES that the covenant was with them and God WOULD provide a son (I actually did not count - forgive me, we are short on time these days). Yet, they still tried to forcibly square-peg-round-hole the covenant into existence. Always gentle, always loving, God continues to take them back and explain Himself again. God is like that with me. Sure, I grow weary and discouraged - but I am realizing that it is the definitive pause at the top of his swing before the hammer comes down again to drive the truth even further into my heart.

This is what I put forward for your consideration tonight... if tears were your song (and God's definitive pause) what would be their refrain? "God, you don't understand how hard this is, why me, I HATE how this ALWAYS seems to happen to me." O R "For you are my lamp, O Lord, and my God lightens my darkness." (II Sam. 22:29).

Home...closer than you think

The night could not even be remotely synonymous with the term rest, but that is just fine with us. I awoke at the hospital (now day 7) after having slept a total of about 2 or so hours. The Dr. had a constant fluid drip going for Jada to test her only remaining kidney - I am exhausted but can exclaim with confidence that it works well.
When you cannot go home, there are a few things that the LORD provides that let one understand that Home can easily come to them. It has been my habit now for a little while to simply wait until Jada falls asleep, post some pictures on facebook, journal, pray and read. Last night was no exception.
My door had a knock and what I found outside reduced me (and later Jessica) to tears. Graciously, my brother Ed and his daughter Jaylin had flown home from Slovakia. Jada woke at just the right time and upon seeing her cousin (whom she has not seen for a year) she blinked hard twice and a faint smile followed. AMAZING! God cannot put more of a personal touch on his blessing and goodness to us, right?
This morning we awoke to some good news (rather Jada awoke to some good news). "You can have some jello." After having surgery she has basically fasted since Sunday at midnight. She ate like I have seldom seen and my heart leapt with joy.
The day drug on and though Jada would get out of her bed for long stints and go for walks, she complains of significant abdominal pain and cries with each step - it seems healing (both physical and spiritual) is not without its pain.
However strong morphine was, the love of God and the bond of family is stronger. For tonight as the evening drew to a close my sister Jen (the one with a million children who lives in Colorado and is married to fireman Jon) walks in with a couple of her children (Kierra and Jedidiah). Again, I stand in awe of how God has stamped his personal touch on all of these blessings and our hearts continue to be encouraged despite the difficulty of this affliction - and what will likely be a treacherous road ahead.
Romans 6:13 says, "¹³Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness." I encourage you to look at that part, "...have been brought from death to life..." When someone ransoms their life for yours you would do ANYTHING for them. The ransom Christ paid for us demands UTTER generosity and humility on our parts, to do less is to tread light and arrogantly on the gift of God.
The offering of ourselves, especially our presence relationally, reflects our heart for the master. In short, Jess and I have some really godly family ALL AROUND us.

Quality, Quantity or neither: you decide

Here's the deal, I sat this morning on a couch and watched the sunrise over a cup of coffee while reading a story in Luke chapter 7. I have read the story a number of times before, but this one was different. "Why?" you may ask. I'm glad you have an interest. The answer may surprise you.

In the story Jesus is at some prominent Pharisee's (Simon) home when a broken woman comes on the scene. Traditionally, this passage is taught in a "do you have messy stuff no-one else wants, come to Jesus and he will forgive you...and you will be SO APPRECIATIVE." which is not all bad, but bears closer scrutiny.

However, as I watched the sunrise I could not help but think God was trying loose the bonds of a sin caste system of sorts. This old method of teaching the passage almost always results in people who grew up with relatively "minor" sins casting an appraising glance at those "dirtier and deeper" sins in others.

Listen, that is not the point. Jesus, is getting at something much deeper when he says in 7:42, "...her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." The point is not that she was a prostitute and came to Jesus to be cleansed, although that is part of it. In a very elementary way Jesus is saying, "Simon (pharisee), she recognizes her need of me, you don't - therefore you extend little love to her."

So, brass tacks, what kind of damage are we talking here if I have lived apart from this understanding of forgiveness and love my whole life? Here it is: Its not how much (quantity) you sin, or how great (quality) your sin is; it IS whether you find in Jesus a REAL, LASTING, and PERFECT solution for ALL sin. For when you do you will be free to Love Much for you have been Forgiven Much. (The whole story is in Luke 7:36-50).

I invite your comments as to what you learned from this or how it challenged you.

Parents...

If you are a parent (or plan to become one) consider the following:
What is my role as a parent? Better yet think of the illustration of sheep.
Sheep are helpless, left to their own devices they will not seek food, protection or shelter. They will passively stand by and watch as their fellow sheep get mauled by a predator. The Bible, however teaches that Jesus IS the Good Shepherd and that the Good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep (John 10:11).The verses in I Peter 2:24-25 are most helpful here:
1. Jesus bore our sins - children need to know it is not theirs to bear
2. He bore our sin so we might die to it - helping our children "die" to sin means always connecting sin to the Gospel (where there is great hope) not just our expectations as parents.
3. Live to righteousness - do our children see in us a joy in living for Christ or a white-knuckle, stick-it-out-to-eternity type of resolve...this determines, in large part, what they make of Jesus growing up.
4. His death heals - there is great comfort in the wounds of Christ...for Hebrews 9:22 tells us that unless he bled an died we cannot live (or be forgiven).
5. Good Shepherd - Our joy, as parents, in returning daily to our Shepherd and Overseer is of great communicated value to our children. Shepherds are not forceful, but gentle and calculating.
I value any comments - click the comment button and leave your thoughts

Jesus - My Humility Part 1

I'll tell you what's difficult - being young, being someone who is easily termed a "recovering pride-a-holic," then preaching on humility. I know of no one less qualified than I to even touch that with a ten foot pole. However, the irony of God knows no bounds so I endeavored to teach on this very topic recently. This post then will be in two parts, one today and part two to follow soon. This post will cover Christ's humility displayed - really a close look at Phil. 2:1-11.
The three 'E's of Christ's humility:
1. Exercise (Phil.2: 6-7)– where Jesus was in the form (or essence) of God but did not see it as a source of entitlement BUT made Himself subject to God. The term exercise was carefully chosen to illustrate the active and continual nature of Jesus' humility.
2. Extent (Phil. 2:8)- He chose to do everything that humans do (eat, sleep, go to the restroom, etc) to the point of death on a cross. The significance of that cannot be overstated as execution on a cross was indicative of the curse of God. Galatians 3:13 says that he (Jesus) bore the curse for our sin. So the extent of His humility...was sufficient to save.
3. Exaltation (Phil. 2:9-11)- the result then of Jesus humility was being exalted and all confessing the Lordship of Jesus – But as v. 11 states, He was humble “…to the Glory of God the Father.” Ultimately, us being humble is not for us, but for the glory of God.
Well, I leave you to consider Jesus and His humility along with the implications for your life as you wake tomorrow. Stay tuned more is coming on humility and feel free to add your comments below.

Jesus had friends?

Consider for a moment your friends. Not the ones you nod politely at when you happen to pass them in public... no, I mean the ones who really have or know a piece of your heart. Think about them. How often do you see, call, write, or even hear from them?
I have thought on this for a while this week. You see, at about 5:whatever each morning there is a warm pot of coffee, my bible and Jesus waiting to meet with me. This week my heart has been wrecked by the story of Lazarus. Briefly, this is the story where Jesus hears his friend is sick (and that means deathly) and waits for three days to go see him. His friend dies and everyone is just a little confused - including me.
However, this is not where the wreckage occurs for me. The site of the wreck in my heart happens at the point where Jesus three times shows great emotion - and I quote, "...he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled..., ...Jesus wept..., Jesus, once more deeply moved..." Lazarus, as a "friend" of Jesus has died and even though Jesus was in the process of raising him from the dead His heart was troubled.
In John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" and again speaking of Abraham James 2:23 says, "...and he was called God's friend."
So, a few questions here:

1. Is Jesus your friend in reality? Would you like to be known as a friend of Jesus? or do you think of him more like this clip:
2. Are you like me in that you have a hard time picturing Jesus moved as he was for Lazarus over you? why...please comment and start a discussion.
3. Finally, what makes it so hard for us to dole out that kind of passion in ALL our friendships?
   

finally, please post your comments so that we might start a discussion and in so doing start a revolution of people passionate about compassionate love in friendships.