How to forgive

I lay in bed with a tossing and a turning that will not relent. I drift to slumber in a moment and find myself sitting bolt upright the next as a dream jostles me awake. Faint memories of the dream's contents dance across my consciousness but I soon fade again. This pattern repeats three or four times until I finally drag my reluctant frame from the bed providing little relief much less, rest.

The sun is just peeking over the horizon and my cup of coffee has been crafted which promises some aid to my weary intellect as I sit with my Bible. Psalm 119:18 flutters off my lips, "Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law," and I crack the Word open. The reading this morning is in II Samuel 13 and 14. I will save gory details and cut to the chase. Amnon (one of King David's sons) develops a desire for his stepsister Tamar that leads to rape (read II Samuel 13 for the whole story). The story itself makes every justice bone in me tweak and cringe. I feel mild rage toward this selfish man.

After the rape, his wicked desire now fulfilled morphs to hate and a family feud is born. Absalom (another of David's sons and Tamar's brother) takes matters into his own hands; luring and killing Amnon. The act ends up estranging him from his father David. Behind the scenes Joab, who was loyal to David, was arranging for some way to reconcile the divided parties. He employs the expertise of a woman from Tekoa known for great wisdom (II Sam. 14:1-13).

She plays out a fictitious scene to gain the heart of King David (a side note: this is the same tact God used by sending Nathan to David after his affair with Bathsheba in I Samuel 11-12). Then, from her lips are likely some of the most instructive words on what gets the ball rolling in order to see forgiveness occur.

All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him. - II Samuel 14:14   

All of the sudden my heart, having been spoken to by the Living God, realizes every time I have ever said, "Its fine" to my wife I have TOTALLY MISSED IT. You see, the dreams that were repeating were ones of conflict unresolved with my wife. The scarlet thread that ran through all of them was how my words and actions were like water spilled out and causing irreparable damage. BUT GOD. He had been orchestrating relationships, circumstances, and slow but steady growth in grace (II Peter 3:18) restoring my union with Him and eventually with her. "How," you ask?

The first step is to realize our sin causes damage we cannot repair without the grace of God through Christ. My first offense when I shout at my wife, discipline my child in anger, wound someone through unspeakable abuse, ignore my friend to teach her a lesson, or any host of other "reasons" is vertical before it is horizontal.

My life (words and actions), as the woman from Tekoa said, is like water spilled out. I simply cannot take back what I said in a moment of sudden forced humility. However, God is incredibly kind and merciful; forgiving the repentant. "So," you say, "when do we get to the stuff? You know, how do I forgive and get forgiven?" I'll offer some insights in bullet format to consider (these bullets are for both sides of forgiveness - extending and receiving) :

• Recognize that in order to forgive someone you must first be humble. You can remain bitter at someone only as long as you truly believe in your heart that you would never do anything like they have done to you. Chew on that for a little while (credit to Timothy Keller for that general idea). 
• Whatever was said or done cannot be "taken back." In fact, that is one surefire way to derail the train of empathy before it reaches the station!
• In your heart and with the help of the Holy Spirit (see the fruit of the Spirit's control in your life in Galatians 5) refuse to make someone "pay." 
• "I will not give the person the "cold shoulder" but, by God's grace, will move toward them.
• "I won't talk bad of the person because that paints other people's impression of them without any personal interaction." 
• "I will seek to serve and bless the individual."
• "I will not retell the events of what happened in ways that ONLY make me coming out smelling like a rose."
• Use phrases like, "When I shouted at you, I realize I wanted respect but didn't feel I was getting it    and mistreated you instead. Would you please forgive me?" 
• Don't use phrases like, "I'm sorry if you were hurt when I yelled at you. I had been having a rough day."  
• Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to speak the truth in love. Paul adds to the idea of truth and love with the following considerations in Eph. 4:29-32: 
• "Grace giving" in relationship means no corrupting talk (the word "corrupting" actually means decaying or damaged). Like a condemned bridge corrupting talk will send you reeling toward the river of destruction. 
• How I speak about or to someone in the process of forgiveness has the potential to grieve God's Spirit. Just sitting with that reality for a moment should cause me to measure my words.
• A lack of forgiveness toward others is directly tied to a lack of repentance toward God. Why else would Paul say to forgive others as God has forgiven you?  

Final thoughts:

1. What do you hear God saying to you through this? 
2. What must you rest in (righteousness of Christ, forgiveness he offers instead of self-loathing, etc)? 
3. Through the Holy Spirit, who do you need to seek forgives from? 
4. Through the Holy Spirit, who do you need to extend forgiveness to? 
5. Is there anyway I can help? (my email is ncfpastordoug@me.com and my phone is 309.208.1851)