Swallowed up by LIFE!

Most things right now lack any strain of consistency. I used to think that sort of thing kind of defined me. However, I am learning that what I used to be able to handle with relative ease is now the greatest of battles. That being said, I think we should also dispense with the notion that everything that is happening to us is immediately spiritualized and served up to the masses for edification. How I wish this were true - but then God would be dealing more with mannequins and less with mere humans - which of course I am.

So, why begin with the lack of consistency? Glad you took the time to ask, and I pray this little piece will serve to enlarge your view of God and open your eyes to the struggle that some of the sheep who call him "shepherd" have.

⁴While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. ⁵ God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit (II Cor. 5:4-5 New Living Translation)

There are not words which I could use to illustrate how our (Jess and I) parenting philosophy and theology has been called into question these past 2 months. Let me be clear with my terms so that there be no ambiguity regarding what I intend to be the outcome. Philosophy is what Jess and I believe about how parenting is to be carried out while theology addresses what (or rather WHO) is to be the center of that effort. Logically then, what one believes about parenting (theology) will dictate how (philosophy) they carry it out. One can apply any number of methods or techniques but ultimately if the view of parenting is not rightly informed theologically (or more accurately theocentrically) it will only lead to further frustration and sin.

I refuse to lie: parenting all of our children has had its unique challenges and its enough to stretch you to the point of snapping. Jada can use her condition to manipulate, Oliver struggles with my absence every 3rd week, and Pierce is an infant (which is to call him Superman's lost cousin, "Captain Unpredictability"). "Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." To which I say, "no, no and no." This would be my assessment of my parenting, husbanding, etc during this trial. Thank God for his unmerited favor.

Jess and I will be the first in the "I'll admit to that" line regarding the general love and care of God toward his children. There have been many moments where we have collectively struggled to believe that God is GOOD even if things don't let up for a while. Our new lives and new schedule have wreaked havoc on our usual routine and that alone is cause for concern - at least to us. I know there will likely be many who read this who will have circumstances MUCH MORE DIFFICULT than our own. I am not minimizing your trial - I am simply speaking out of ours. At each turn of doubt we have had a few common elements occur: someone reminds us of Christ (his affliction/suffering/perfect obedience), there are other believers (family/friends/church family) who have come alongside and encouraged us in VERY TANGIBLE ways, and Jess and I both have had some very consistent times of confession and repentance before God.

Do I long for what the above verses talk about...yes I want to be "done" with this and have all the benefits it affords without the searing pain it so often dishes out. However, I will not presume upon the Lord a "better" time for him to finish this work in us. Mine is not the timetable, mine is faith. "He who began a good work, will carry it on to completion." So, it is a tremendous relief when God, in his Mercy provides a good laugh.

We have a rule in our house that the kids are not supposed to touch DVDs (mainly Oliver - because his meat-hook-like hands are about as delicate as they are tiny: resulting in a little breakage from time to time). Today Ollie had ahold of a DVD. I quickly grabbed it and sent him to his room to await his fate. I come in with the rod and he scrunches up his face and says, "I not in trouble dad...I not in trouble." "Really," I respond with a little tinge of doubt in my obvious tone. "Would you mind telling me how you are not in trouble?" "Because...(as he looks around his room) I play basketball." Huge cheesy smile with one hand on his hip seeing if I will cave. It would seem that Ollie's little addiction is now his vehicle - good thing Jess and I are trained by the Spirit in discernment : )

As you go about your day, really try to grasp the concept that your old mortality is to be SWALLOWED UP by Life and that LIFE IS JESUS!!! "...we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God!" God's GLORY is most recognizable in Jesus (Heb. 1:3).

Click the comment button and share how Christ has encouraged you today despite what you may be facing.

Our Maturation for HIS Glorification

Forboding: implying or seeming to imply that something bad is going to happen. This is the state of most believers when we consider that God wants to "teach" us something. Why must this be so? Is it primarily because we view our own way as so correct that it must be an invasion of privacy (or an invasion of authority more accurately) for God to presume on us a "Lesson?" Either way, what we have is a dilemma. A dilemma that is dire to say the least.

Last Thursday night we were on the eve of our departure from the hospital stay when I was able to get out and see the rest of the family for a bit. I went home, ate a late dinner, played some "football tackle"(Ollie's words), read a Bible story, and put the family to bed - then headed back to be with Jada. By the time I had arrived back in the room I was able to talk with our nurse (Kim - who is fantastic by the way) about the goings on while I was away. She informed me that Jada was very talkative and somewhat challenging of authority...I acted surprised like one does at Christmas when they "don't know" what they are receiving (just kidding I had to confront the issue). I asked Kim what they had talked about. She was informing me that Jada was telling her all about this Job book we have been reading.

Jada had meandered all over the conversational road map and finally settled on asking our nurse some questions while I was away. Now let me just say before I go any further, that children can put the pressure on their parents like none other. Jada has never been an exception to this rule and I am quite certain she had a part in the penning of it originally. After many questions and just a LOT of activity in the room while I was gone, Jada asked Kim, "Did you know Jesus before my dad talked to you?" Now, this question assumes a few things that immediately put me behind the eight ball. One, it assumes I have spearheaded this specific conversational effort. Two, others have wanted to hear what I have to say. Finally, it assumes that I have, when I open my mouth, something coherent and useful to say.

As our nurse is telling me this I am thinking, "thanks Jada, appreciate that one." The more I thought about it, however, I realized that God NEVER WASTES a trial. One usually considers how it is that their children call them to account via their actions or lack of control. You know what I'm talking about... as parents we have the right of refusal - if I am ever wrong and my child calls me out on it, I can always refuse to admit fault and cite parental sovereignty. Sparing a long explanation, just realize this is one way our children provide a second holy spirit influence. However, it is not the aforementioned mode of conviction I wish to discuss. I wish to touch briefly on how our children hold us to account positively.

I love that my daughter is straight at it in regards to faith. And while this provides for funny stories or apt sermon anecdotes - it also places a positive challenge on myself and Jessica. God's use of this trial, Jessica and I are learning, is that we mature in order that He may be glorified. I can choose to mope or be discouraged continually in my own strength. OR I can choose, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to be upheld by the strong arm of God and look at the day of trouble and say as the Psalmist says in 112:6-7, "For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is FIRM, TRUSTING IN THE LORD."

There is more danger in my not speaking to literally everyone about Jesus in plain terms such as the ones Jada employs. What is that danger you may ask? Well, as simple as I can state it - one may actually thinkthey are the ones weathering the storm. There is really nothing special about Jessica or myself or our family for that matter . . . IF NOT FOR JESUS!

The words of Peter in 1 Peter 4:1-2 have given shape to my conviction in a very poignant way these last few days and I wish to make them know to the reader for their encouragement in the faith. "Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is DONE with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God." It is clearly more than noteworthy that there are only two places in the NT where we are commanded to assume an attitude or posture of the heart EXACTLY like Christ, here and Phil. 2:5 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." The Peter passage dealing with suffering and the Phil. passage dealing specifically with humility set the tone for a SAVIOR that is minuscule by the world's measures but of inestimable value to those who believe. Might we mimic the Lord Jesus in these two areas with perseverance in order that we mature and He be GLORIFIED!

Sacrifice or something like it

There are limited times, you see, when a child will still listen to their father's "important" instruction. I am not sure whether that window has eclipsed with any of my children yet, much less Jada - whom I seem to be getting an inordinate amount of time with lately. What I do know is this; while I try to make sense of this journey of faith for myself I will drag along any who are in my path in hopes of enhancing others' vision of Jesus.

So, with that clearly in your sites, understand that I brought the "Job" book written by John Piper to the hospital for my own purposes this week. I sat on my bed/couch to begin reading it last night. Jada glances at me and says, "will you read me that Job book - I like the picture on the front?" I hadn't thought of it yet - but already a few pages in, I decided to grant her request, and climbed in bed with my daughter ready to explain every 3rd word of the book to her. The pictures are detailed and for that matter obvious question inducers for a child Jada's age. "No worries," I think, "I got this under control. I am an educated man and can answer her vocab questions."

The story picks up quickly and Jada is not drowsy at all - which I thought she would be considering the drugs already administered and the fact that chemo was only a 1/2 hour away. We get to the point (don't worry, there are no spoilers of the book in this blog, just observations) in the story where Job is pictured over an altar with a lamb making a sacrifice for his children's sins and he is earnestly pleading with God on their behalf. The quote reads, God - "O man of God, today again you seek the precious lives of ten young souls. Now tell me, with your heart, would you be willing, Job, to part with all your children, if in my deep counsel I should judge that by such severing more good would be and you would know far more of me?"... Job - "O God, have mercy on my seed. I yield to what you have decreed."

Jada processes. . .

I turn the page and begin to read the next one. She clutches my shoulder and says, "Dad, was God asking Job to put his children on the altar instead of the lamb?" "In a nutshell, yes he was honey." "Why? because Job was already killing lambs for his children?" "Well honey, we can't rightly get at God in our comfort - we know him best when we need him most. Jada, it would be like you praying to God and asking him to help you know him better. When he responds he says to you, 'I am going to take all your toys and your health because it will teach you to cling to me above anything else and that is GOOD.' make sense sweetie?" Her brow furrows up while she makes that adorable smile and half whispering she says, "it seems like God always wants what's hardest to give."

Deep breath, sigh, and remind myself that cancer for a 5 year old is a crash course in applied theology more than anything else. "Jada, the book of Romans says that God is working all things together for our good if we know Jesus. So, you decide if its hard to give him what you want to hold on to OR if it is trusting that what He is doing in you IS good. You see honey, because God IS GOOD (that is part of His unchanging character) all He does is Good, even when it does not seem like it. What he was telling Job was, 'trust me Job, you think what you have now is great, wait until I give you a better definition of great.' Jada, I want you and I, and our whole family to echo the words of Job, "I yield to what you have decreed."

I pray that as God challenges you with this concept you will make a personal commitment to trust Him over and against relinquishing our comforts. Think about it for a moment, you don't think I would like to rewind 8 weeks and have things the way they were? There are days, to be sure, where this is exactly the sentiment. Be that as it may, Jessica CONTINUE to experience the smile of God in a thousand manifest ways daily. That is reason enough to stay the course - God HAS Promised that we will not be overwhelmed, or tested beyond what we can bear, or left as orphans, or that this trial will result in anything BUT good. So, yes, Jesus, Jada is not ours - she never was - we are just her parents as stewards tending to the blessing from you she represents to us.

At this point I'd be curious to know what your thoughts are - post a comment below.

Look upon Jesus, one acquainted with suffering

We started the car, packed the bags, said our goodbyes and started down the road. These trips to St. Jude clinic in Peoria are becoming a bit ominous for my liking. No one is guaranteed a good experience at clinic and there stands an eerie reminder upon entrance weekly. On occasion there are weeping 2 yr olds who cannot stand treatment and struggle mightily. There are teenagers who are mild and complacently sitting, waiting for their number to be called. Finally, there are parents, sullen and quiet: fatigued from the journey we are all on.

Jada and I usually do not make it to the Morton exit (7 min down the highway) before she says, "Dad, I would like you to turn on and TURN UP Kari Jobe please." Now, if you are not aware, Kari Jobe is the consistent bright spot in Jada's trial. She is a Christian artist from Texas who has what Jada calls, "Jesus music - that makes me think about Jesus." So, this is how we choose to start our drive to the clinic each week. I never make it more than 15 minutes without crying. Today was no exception. Miss Jobe's song, "Healer" comes on and in the backseat is Jada - laying her head on the armrest staring blankly ahead dangling her hand up...her ever so slight hint that she desires to hold my hand. I reach around to the backseat and grasp her hand while we move down the highway, my eyes filling with tears as we approach clinic. My mind is full of beautiful memories we have made this past week with all the extra time we have had at home. How wonderful the time has been. I am reminded of one particular night...

Jada has an incision from her sternum to just above her bladder where the tumor was removed. She has had, since the surgery, steri strips (small bandage-like stripes) on her stomach that have needed to come off - but convincing a 5 year old to take off 27 bandaids in one sitting is quite like asking an elephant to tip toe, unlikely. However, last night she was in rare form and begged for them to be removed. After her bath, and three times a week I have to do a dressing change (where I change her entire bandage and clean her line site {the tube that comes out of her chest for chemo}). As we began taking off one strip at a time Jada winced with the predictable pain. Finally, as the last one came off she looked at her belly button for the first time since January 3rd.

The incision runs up to her belly button, then goes around it and below her belly button an inch or so. She glances at it and says, "Dad, it was so kind of the Doctors not to cut my belly button in half, and to put me asleep when the did the surgery because I don't think I could handle seeing me be cut wide open." "Do you think it hurt honey?" I said. She quips very quickly, "well, yes of course dad." I asked, "Jada, what do you think it was like for Jesus?" She looks into space and says, "it must have hurt worser than a poke (that would be a shot with a needle), and it really makes me very thankful that he did it to clean away sin. And dad, did you know, Jesus was awake until he died? I was in surgery when I slept - so I don't remember and I did not feel it because the Dr. gave me owie medicine. So, Jesus Really obeyed his daddy and loves us VERY much."

How does one add to perfect obedience, deep love, and unconditional forgiveness? The gospel was delivered at great cost and through deep pain - - - can I hope to escape it if the truth of the Gospel is to be riveted into the depths of my heart? Trials and suffering are Major, Necessary and Useful tools in God's toolbox of sanctification. Paul, in speaking to the church at Thessalonica, says of trials, "You know quite well that we were destined for them. In fact, when we were with you, we kept telling you that we would be persecuted. And it turned out that way, as you well know. For this reason, when I could stand it not longer, I sent to find out about your faith. I was afraid that in some way the tempter might have tempted you and our efforts might have been useless." (I Thess. 3:3-5).

We are learning daily that our faith is being challenged in ways we could not fabricate and in ways we never wish to repeat, but nonetheless we are being shaped for the Glory of God.

So, clinic finished up this morning with the pale news of Jada's blood counts (her over all ANC count which allows chemo to continue) being too low and our admission to the hospital being delayed yet another 3 days. Are we frustrated, yes. Are we weary of the commute to and fro with no progress to show, yes. Are we sorrowful yet rejoicing? YES - With Faith we are.

by the way, the picture was taken by simply charming photography in Tremont, IL on January 17th - prior to hair loss.

Stir My Affections

The title was meant to catch you eye and make you think, "huh, what in the world is he talking about?" On Friday Jada and I were at the hospital and discovered that her white blood count was too low and therefore we could not start this round of chemotherapy.

I liken the experience to snow days. When you are in school and you get the call early in the morning that the day is cancelled, you are ecstatic. However, when the end of the year rolls around - you are somewhat jaded and frustrated. "What, three more days of school? I thought the year was done."

This is where Jess and I are at - it was great to be back home for the weekend, but we know it only delays the treatment by 3 days. As a result, we decided to make the best of it. Knowing that the chemo will start soon and her condition (both in temperament and physical suffering) will worsen - we wanted to make it special.

With all the snow, being locked indoors is not only punishment - it is punishment of the most severe kind to a 5 year old. Jada and Goober had been begging to go outside. To be truthful, I actually was loathing going out, mainly because getting snow equipment on children just to be outside for a short amount of time did not appeal to me. Well, they pursued and I relented and after a short time we found ourselves outside.

Now, let it be understood, we LOVE all of our neighbors - we have a unique connection to all of them; from meals made for us, to birthday parties shared and errands run - our neighbors are great. The Wendlings, however, have a lovely family. A couple sets of twins that are near Jada's age and an eighth grader who is super kind to us and our children make for some great connections. Their 4 youngest children were outside when Jada, Ollie, Jess and I ventured out on Sunday. What resulted was MANY laughs, king of the mountain, a snowball fight, some pictures and overall just a 'normal' experience for a 5 year old before things get un-normal in a day or two.

There is one event, which, when recounted during our discussion as we were falling asleep (Jess and I) served to stir my affection for the goodness and grace of Jesus. We were playing on the pile of snow at the end of our street, the kids, myself and the Wendling's dog (which are children are afraid of not because of veracity but more because of unfamiliarity). Jada will begin to scream as though something much more severe were happening than just a good licking of the face when the dog approaches her.

Jada was on top of the hill with her back to the dog. As the dog approached her (she was unaware) Emily (the Wendling child Jada has most connected with) literally ran up the hill and dove in front of the dog and pushed it away - asking Jada (who was now crying) if she was ok. It may not sound like much but Jess and I thought it was so sweet how a little girl was watching out for her friend's safety, and really genuinely concerned.

Sure, its the big things that one prays for in times like these. Complete healing, no financial devastation, good family relations throughout, and no more sour news, etc. However, as I have indicated many times already, God's desire is not that our comfort be in the majors of our life. It IS to be found in the majors of His life, what he has accomplished, what he has finished, and what he deems to be imperishable (and therefore comforting). The problem is that I have a tendency to desire comfort in predictability and concrete circumstances. What God provides is grace and peace multiplied to us as needed - He's not in to wasteful excess - though His supply is abundant. It is just what we need when we need it, "...May grace and peace be multiplied to you..." I Peter 1:2.

People are one of those resources God provides for encouragement and in this case our neighbors helped stir our affection for God as He is good to us - even in the small things. Emily also illustrated to us the protection God has over our daughter.

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The balance of blessing

Psalm 42:3 "My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, 'Where is your God?'"

It is among the most powerful and poignant metaphors in all the Bible - at least that is this man's opinion. Have you ever been there? You know the place I am talking about. That place where your tears have a ready path not only blazed, but WELL TRAVELED, in which they move speedily down your cheeks and into your mouth. The slightly warm, salty taste doest not even surprise you anymore - in fact, it is part of your regular diet. This is the place the Psalmist is talking about when he speaks of tears and food in the same breath. A place Jessica and I are well acquainted with as of late.

The assurance we receive daily via text, email and phone calls from loved ones concerning the promises of God are staggering. The support of the local church and our family from a physical, emotional, and spiritual angle is also without equal. Why then do I speak of this verse? I know these promises cerebrally, even a few occurrences in my life have driven these truths deeper - but why is it that my tears are my food?

Anyone who looks at the picture of Jada above - hovering over a bucket - must have a justice bone deep down inside that is being tweaked. I could handle this happening to my body, and with relative grace even, say that God is doing something Good. But apply the same circumstances to a child (especially yours) and your justice bone twinges within you at the purposes of God's sovereignty. Sadness does not depict the state of our hearts collectively (Jess and mine that is), anguish is a more fitting term - but what makes this verse so poignant a descriptor for Jess and I is this: our tears are talking. They are telling us, with every new set of challenges, "your God is dead and unable to answer."

Last night Pierce (our newest addition) literally cried and screamed from 8pm till just around 4am. Jess and I did not sleep a wink during that span. Jada woke screaming and needed comfort, and Oliver made his presence known about an hour and a half before normal in the morning. The tears streamed down my face last night, down that familiar canal into the reservoir of my mouth, asking me "Where is your God?" Jess and I prayed, we covered our heads with pillows, we did just about anything we could - hoping that it would end and the dawn would speedily come. Sadly, this was not the case.

I had just a spare minute while laying in bed last night and I turned the Bible application on my phone on, I read Psalm 41-44. When I read through all of Psalm 42 the Spirit began to remind me of the balance of blessing and the HOPE filled perspective provided therein. I began to catalogue all that God has provided since December 30th, 2010 when our trial began. It has been overwhelming and humbling how God has blessed us and I certainly do not want to present a picture of gloom always. There are moments of Joy - though fleeting - and they are what we are hanging on to in the really dark times.

As one reads Psalm 42, though, they are reminded to "Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." There is a tremendous temptation on my part to simply cash in the chips and exclaim - "God, we've sought you and your are not answering in the manner we expected." The fact is, even though our present request is sleep, and much of it - God's goodness is not in question simply because what I want is not happening. His goodness and blessing are manifest in a thousand other ways all around me. What this calls for in me is twofold: the Psalmist later says "...I shall again praise him...", this means that all of whats happening is a colossal equation leading to praise. Secondly, this calls for endurance. Read Romans 5 and one will quickly discover suffering or trials are designed to provoke endurance in us. Endurance (or perseverance) is connected to Hope because its OBJECTIVE IS GOD!

We GET GOD! Not sure if this resonates with you, but for this weary believer it is medicine for my sick and tired soul. Tomorrow Jada and I shove out early for another stay of 5 or so days in the hospital and the administration of chemo. We will do so knowing that even if it is hard and we pray against everything that then happens, we still GET GOD! I pray your rest is in your acquisition of God - not in some unmet expectation you have of Him. I know I have wrestled with that, even in the last couple days.

When I took this picture of Jada she had just vomited. I asked her, "Jada, is God still good?" Vomit still clinging to her chin over the bucket she looks at me and says, "of course dad." Really, you're kidding me! was my thought. I pressed her and she began to recount all the things around us, warm jammies, good dinner that night, heat when it was snowing outside, etc. God continues to use my daughter to encourage (and challenge) both Jess and I. I pray the same for you.